Week 11 - All Filled Up

Celebrate with me - I had my last fill this past Wednesday! Now the countdown until I have my last surgery.

I didn't see the Dr. as he was doing an office surgery, so we didn't get to talk goals and procedures. Nor did I try on the new bra that I bought so we could see how much is needed on the left. Now, after the last 45 cc that was added it doesn't fit on the right. Oh well. I scheduled an appt. to see him in 3 weeks to talk about goals and procedures. We'll see how much we can add to the left to fit on the left. I would say I'm quite certain I don't want to be 400 cc on the right! I'll return the bra after the next appt. and then wait for pretty new bras until after I have recovered.

Not sure I have humor, creativity and positive all in different segments today but I do have some great things to talk about.

Here's the funny & some positive all in one. We went riding yesterday and did almost 300 miles. Started out by going thru Carver to Estacada, south on forest service roads along the Clackamas River towards Detroit. Funny, haha, you say. Well, I haven't reached the punch line just yet. Remember I'm not good at jokes! Beautiful scenery. I hadn't realized the river was so pretty along that stretch. We did end up coming to a one-lane detour that had a sign - Motorcycles use extreme caution. Dang, that means probably not a good choice to continue, at least for me. So, we turned around and went back thru Estacada, south to Molalla (ate at the Hitchin' Post again), Silverton,  Silver Falls, Sublimity, Stayton, Scio, Lebanon, Sweet Home, Brownsville, Halsey then home. We rode the freeway until north of Salem then got on 99E. Freeway is kind of crazy though fast, too fast.

I even took my jacket off in public. I thought I was sort of lined up, breasts in an almost horizontal line. You can imagine how disappointed I was when we got home and I had Mr. take a picture for me, and I was all droopy on the left, not matching up nearly like I thought. I did push stuff up on occasion, so maybe it was just droopy at the end of the day.

Well, guess not quite as symmetrical as I thought. It's a wonder anyone could look me in the face!

So, when I got home I laid it all out on the table!

Left - breast form, cloth pouch with zip lock bag of rice (100cc), breast form to lift and increase size of left breast;
Right - dimmer to smooth the bumps on the right breast.

So you see how funny it is now? I went to a lot of work just hang low.  It's hard to get dressed in the summer time! I guess I was warned it would be difficult for awhile. But I really thought I looked pretty good. It's good there aren't many mirrors around when riding!

I'm saving the really good stuff to the last, so stay tuned.

Today would have been my parent's 62nd anniversary. Dad was kind of looking for someone in the family to spend time with today. I went down for breakfast and cooked with/for him before he went to church. Must be hard on those special days.

We are in the mode of getting ready for a bike trip. You can imagine the dilemma I'm having regarding clothing after the vision  above. I guess I'll take one structured bra along and at least a couple of shirts I can throw on when I take my jacket off so I can be seen in public even when I don't wear the straight jacket.

Went to the Farmer's Market for some fresh black berries, cukes and peaches. Yum. Got a walk in - probably about 1 hr. long. Getting the water timers set up for while we are away so things don't die. Laundry, starting to pack, bill paying - what fun. 

Friday I had two good pieces of news - I'm so excited. 
My surgery is scheduled for 10/25 with my pre-op visit two weeks earlier. That makes it 9 weeks from last fill, but I think I can manage 1 extra week. I was a little puzzled because the scheduler tried to do it in 4 weeks and the doc had told me 8 weeks. Oh well.

And, get ready for this. I had applied for a different position recently, had my 2nd interview this past week and found out on Friday I was the one they really wanted. I've been very interested for some time in a position like this. I won't be doing training and instructional design for now, in this new position. I'll be a worker bee reviewing claims for clinical purposes after they come in. This will mean I get to learn a whole bunch of new stuff. It's a level decrease and a slight pay decrease, but sometimes you have to give to get. That's the way I figure it. My current position is moving towards primarily coordination with other people doing the training. Coordination is not my strong suit. I think I will have fewer nights of insomnia. I have friends on the team who love their work, their team and their manager. Wow!

I was realizing this weekend that I tend to do a particular type of work about 8-10 years and make a change. So I'm right on track. I begin my new job on 9/19. I'll get to work more from home, have flexible work weeks, and perhaps work normal hours depending on what is going on. Meanwhile, I need to wrap things up and try to help transition things. There isn't another trainer, so it should be interesting. This past summer has really helped solidify that I needed to do something different for a time.

I'm still not past trying to do something in relationship to support of women who will be/are undergoing breast reconstruction in whatever capacity that may be over time. I'm a nurse, work in business in the health care industry, and I'm an adult educator. Why not?

Another really great thing - we are outside listening to Sunday night Blues (make that 2 great things) and there are crickets "singing" in the vegetation. No it's not part of the music. We heard them last evening and realized that we've never noticed them before. Interesting. And we love it.

I was kind of thinking about doing Race for the Cure walking this year, but I haven't heard anything about sign up. I'll have to look around.

You won't hear from me for a couple of weeks. Oh darn! But, I'll share some photos with you when I come back. Probably not of me unless it's better than the one above!

Week 10 - Almost full up!

Greetings from Puddletown where the sun has been shining and the weather warm, for 2 whole days.

I am getting close to pretty darn full up!

This last Wed. at 310 cc, I had 90 cc to go to 400. So I suggested we try 45 cc this time instead of 30-40. It was a stretch... Still looks tight but we only have 45 to go, and so I'm willing to try for that this coming Wed. again. Lots of fullness above the nipple line, not quite as much below. I've seen a research project on clinicaltrials.gov addressing just that challenge. You can't tell here that there is more fullness above on the left, and not so much on the right. It's hanging down not up!

Asymmetry at week 10

We talked about a lift procedure that Dr. is considering for the left and the placement of the implant. Crescent lift with implant subglandular for a more natural look. I am thinking about this - with a bra I'd look well balanced. Not sure that's the case without a bra. And that goes for the sports tops that I wear with the built in bra-shelf as well. I thought that we were going for a larger incision with a bigger lift. Kind of threw me off. How can I look natural with one fake looking breast and one more natural looking breast? And what will that do to my opportunities to dance for additional income? Or my biker babe image if I have to wear a structured bra at all times? I should be able to get dressed and not wear a bra. That's my bottom line.

I had taken photos in to the Dr. of implanted breasts to give an idea of what size I wanted to be. It's hard, because I don't like the look of implanted breasts, and even though you have the opportunity to put in height and weight range, there aren't any results that fit those for me. So you can't say add a 200 cc implant and you will look like this. It depends on height, weight, shape and width of chest and your original breast. Dr. responded with how women often bring pictures in which he didn't find helpful because it is so individual. I said, "Ok. I don't like them either, I'll take them and trash them." I know I've talked about not wanting an augmented look because it looks so fake. I think that's why he took the natural look approach.

I took information about a surgeon at OHSU who does a microvascular breast reconstruction technique. That makes 2 now that I know of. Dr. found it of interest and thought it was good to know of another option in town.

I can't be the only woman who has ever had a challenge communicating what is important to me. But then I have changed my mind more than once, and may not convey a complete thought during one visit. I call it boob brain. Yes, I am guilty of at least 3 months of boob brain. I need to get down to some basic logic. I have started a table with my must have, nice to have, the 4 lift procedures that I am aware of. pros, cons, etc. I was going to fill it all out myself, but realized I may not have all the info, so will take it in with me on Wed. and try to get on the same wave length.

I am to bring a bra in that fits the right breast this next week so we can see how much we can fit in the left. By this time the last VS bras I bought are not fitting, so I returned them. No, I didn't wear them, I only tried them on. Bought a 34 C today. Not sure if I like that, but maybe I won't need that one in the end. I am prepared to return it after my "fitting" this week.

Positive Images
I tried to show you but can't pull it off. Butterflies over breasts. I can still think about it though.

Creative
Photo above with balloons. Don't tell me I'm wimping out. It was a rough week. Short nights, waking up at lord knows what time and not going back to sleep.

Humor 
Photo above with balloons. Or, you may not think this funny, but Mr. and I were out motorcycle riding today and we had stopped for a break. I told him to come sit by me so I could hear him, but told him if he got too close he ran the risk of getting poked with a really pointy breast! I laughed and laughed out loud 'cuz I thought I was so funny! Mr. had a slight grin on his face.

Good stuff
We rode motorcycle on Sat. Went about 215 miles. It was good - my skill is rusty but oh, the roar of that motor when accelerating is so good. No, not a Harley - not quite that flatulent. But good.  We went to this place I read about recently - "Wings of Wonder" south of Independence. Check it out. http://www.wingsofwonder.us/index.htm
A former Intel employee and  his wife were interested in tropical butterflies and started an exhibit. Wow. The blue morpho was fantastic. Irridescent blue in flight but when it lands it closes its wings. Hard if not impossible to get a photo when in flight. Pretty darned cool. My creative idea was to paste a butterfly over my lop-sided self but that didn't work out so well. But look what we saw. It was warm inside, chaps on, sweat dripping down my back into my jeans, and.....

Butterflies

Our route took us from Portland, to Canby for breakfast with Dad, to Woodburn, Mt. Angel, Silverton, Silver Falls, Sublimity, Stayton, Scio, Albany, Buena Vista, Independence, Monmouth - lunch and some work on Mr's bike. Dallas, Rickreal, Amity, Dundee, Sherwood, Newberg, Tigard, Portland. And the traffic at Dundee. Remind us never to go that way thru Dundee on a weekend. We were tired when we got home.  I get kind of sloppy at the end of a ride. Even though we got home early enough to cook we were too fatigued to eat dinner.

Today another ride. Another warm day. We went to Mehri's for breakfast. Quiche, fruit and her very yummy creamy potatoes. Out Foster Rd. to Damascus, Boring, Sandy, Estacada, Molalla, Silverton, Mt. Angel, Woodburn, then back into the country and back roads to 213 to Oregon City, 205 then home. A good ride. I'm trying to improve my techniques and riding skills for smoother safer riding.

It's great - no pain or irritation while riding. I didn't notice that my pectoral muscle flexed when I opened the throttle or braked as I noticed last weekend when we rode. I was riding my 700 Shadow this weekend, 250 Rebel last weekend. Maybe that was the difference.

It's a great way to erase the boob brain-ness, riding motorcycle. It's hard to think about work, breasts, or anything else that takes your mind off of scents, traffic, road surface, curves and safety. I smelled mint, berries, evergreen trees, smells of combining grass/grain, manure, and, I can't remember what else. Many childhood scents.

Biker chick on the road
Molalla, strange town, interesting people. Not this one but all the rest. We did have a very friendly waitress at the Hitchin' Post.

If I didn't have my jacket on, you could see my shape! But I do, so you can't tell.
Protective gear as appropriate. No breast shield though.

We are thinking of a short motorcycle camping trip before the end of the summer.

So, look for me again next weekend. Another fill-up, more bike riding, and maybe nothing more than that. You'll know just about as much as I about my next surgery date at that point and then we will wait together for two months for that date!

Week 9: Tweaking the breast

No fill this week as Dr. C was off. Nice treat. I think it was the first week I haven't had some sort of medical appointment since the first week of May. Long time. It was also the first full week in the office without some sort of break. That made it seem like a very long week.

I've decided that I need to try to have something humorous, something creative, and something with positive visualization when I post. I may need your help.

I am hopeful that all will be beautiful when finished, however, I am trying to adjust my expectations to what the reality may be in regards to sensation, scars, and shape. I reread my Aphrodites Reborn to see the reconstruction results of those women and they hearten me. I also am reminded how fortunate I am that I did not have a malignant tumor and the fear and treatment that go along with that. And I, of course, am reminded by others and myself that this is a process.

Humor
I have some new expressions:

1. You're tweaking my boob
2. Stop tweaking my boob
3. My boob is tweaking
4. Don't get your boob in a tweak

In your mind, what would these statements mean? If you think about muscle being stretched and tissues responding to, I don't know, friction, pressure, I suppose it could result in a spasm. That's what's really happening but I see an opportunity for new phrases and meaning in your vocabulary.

State of Affairs
I discovered one sports bra this week that I may not use ever again. It was so tight my breast was tweaking by the end of the day. One of  my new bras may not be of much help for long either. I plan to do a little specialty shopping this week. I'll ask what I need for the first 2 weeks post-op and maybe it can serve me now.

I've said it before - symmetry is the goal. Asymmetry is my biggest struggle right now. I wore a v-necked lace-edged camisole under a top this past week as the top was lower than my bra. Well the v was always off-centered. It's kinda like the biggest person under the blankets gets the most covers. Yep, the biggest breast gets the most fabric! I'm now trying to make my left breast look higher and bigger to match my right (with the expander) and it's kinda hard to do. I am thinking about what I can and can't wear - no stripes that go around the body, dark is generally good, and ...... let me know if you have any ideas about how to hide the discrepancy of one hanging low and one standing high.

Ideas
Maybe you can help me out with serious or humorous ideas about how to make the left breast as high or big as the right for the next two months. Friends have been trying to help me with their humorous suggestions, and real options that just might work. That's good, as I'm sort of running out of humor and ideas. Here are a couple of ideas people have given me for starters:

One up, one down

• Make sure to wear a left shoe with a higher heel 
• Drop your right shoulder lower than the left
• Fill a balloon with some rice or corn meal to fill out the left breast to be equal in size to the right and stick it in your bra

Positive Ideas
I  have some ideas for a volunteer opportunity or even some day a business opportunity.  Title of my position "Breast Reconstruction Advocate". I don't have funding figured out yet! Nor do I have a business plan. I think that this experience may have a truly life-changing impact on both my personal and professional development.

Art/Jewelry
I'm working on (in my mind) a graphic of ugly breasts disappearing and the lovely ones coming into view. We'll see how that comes out. Another I'm thinking of is related to the Mourn the breast, but this time it should be something like "up from the grave they arose" with new breasts coming up from the grave.

The latest earrings I made a couple weeks ago that go with the pendant I made awhile back. I didn't want them to be too "matchy" so used different shapes of stone. I'm trying to think of my next project - I'm trying to do larger statements to go with the shorter haircut. It's good the wire is cheap and I can always repurpose these into new designs if I grow weary of them in their current settings.

Carnelian Pendant and Earrings

I need to get ready for my walk - that's always a restorative activity. A little later we hope to go on a short first of the season motorcycle ride.

When I go to this week's appointment I'll ask if we really must fill to 400 cc - I have 90 to go. If so, is there any risk of stretching too much in the event I/we decide that it is bigger than we want? How can we get it to fill lower in the breast? It kind of looks a little like a faint tri-corner on the lower aspect instead of rounded. I am reminded of the song "Three Corners has my Hat". And we'll see if I can do the next 2 visits with 45 cc per fill, then I can begin my 8 week wait until my next surgery.

All right then, time to mobilize. Until next week!

Week 8 - It will but not forever!

So, the expander will be quite rounded and high until we get done filling 'er up, and will be hard. The implant will be softer and will not be so round, I guess. We haven't discussed the techniques used for the lift/implant of the left breast yet.

Monday and Tuesday I was feeling what felt like stitches pulling, or a dressing stuck to a wound being pulled on in the right lower outer quadrant of my breast. Wondered what that was about. Perhaps some adhesions loosen as things stretch out more? Dr. C says it's probably scar tissue. I wonder if that will prevent things from being the right shape when we finish up our work. Guess time will tell.

At this week's surgeon visit I asked if we could fill with 40 cc instead of 30 cc. That would cut the number of visits/weeks by 1. It doesn't sound significant, but this is taking a long time. Things were pretty tight before the fill but we decided to try it and stop if we needed to. It wasn't bad - we got 40 in. He had a nurse who was filling in for the regular one so was teaching her how to do the fill. He showed her how to find the valve using a magnet. As he ran it over the area where the valve is the sensation was like that of someone running their finger lightly over my skin even though the breast is numb, or shall we say it has a sensation deficit. It was the pull of the magnet over the metal in the valve.

I had tried once to see if I could get a magnet to stick but I was unsuccessful. I decided I should try it again.
So here's the proof, I do have a magnetic breast. That's a positive thought, isn't it?

Magnetic breast

I estimate that I have two more fills left. I'd be done with this phase in two weeks, however, Dr. C is out of the office next week. I asked how long it would be until we could do the surgery for the implant after we got the expander filled. Unfortunately, looks like 8 weeks since the skin is as tight as it is. That puts me about 10/24 or thereabouts. I'm getting impatient, frustrated, and somewhat antsy. I guess that is normal in this process. I should just be glad that I don't have the cancer aspect to deal with.

I had to go to the office for work the day of my fill - took pain med before I left- and the next day for meetings. I'm having a hard time with interest, desire and focus at work. In Dutch I might say "Ik heb geen zin." Translated - I have no interest or appetite. Not at all unusual that people who go through this experience begin to rethink what it is they want to do with their work/life.

The book that I ordered "Breast Reconstruction Guidebook" is excellent. Gee, would have liked to have that about 9 weeks ago! Lots of great info, easy to understand, some personal experiences, and good resources. Interesting - I worked on my "brochure" - my story and things to think about. Much of it confirmed by what was in the book. I really see the importance of a woman who learns that she needs/or decides on a mastectomy to have resources at that time, in preparation for the later decisions that need to be made about reconstruction. How do we get the right information to her at the right time?

I think I have been focused more on the health care system and how it works in this situation and intrigued by the overall topic of breast reconstruction than on finding answers for myself. I figured I had enough basic knowledge that I'd get along by hook or by crook and I'd observe things at work. Kinda dumb in retrospect. Though I think that most likely I would do nothing different in relationship to reconstruction. I would have wasted less of the surgeon's time though because I would have focused on me.

Working on getting the motorcycles ready for at least short trips. Mr's. needs more work and he may have to ride my larger one, and me the little one. Maybe next week. I had hoped to get out this weekend. No luck.

We added another fountain to our water feature. It has a nice trickling sound. The birds like to sit on top of the taller one and drink from it, even sit on top of the bubbler where the water comes out. Sweet.

Nothing much going on here. Later.