Post Op Day 1

Surgery went well. Had an interesting conversation about health care reform and insurance coverage with my pre-op nurse. Kind of interfered with my zen moments, but she was distressed about the changes in her health plan for this coming year. And of course, the new knowledge that I am gaining in my position really adds to my ability to explain things.

The anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself, explain, and assure me that he would do a good job and take good care of me during surgery. Dr. C came in to draw his plans on my breasts. He told me what a good anesthesiologist I have, and learned that he is also a friend. I asked him how many voting members we'd have in the OR. He said Dr. D wouldn't be good at it, and we'd have to see who was present. He had told me that he asks people in the OR to give input on evenness when he sits me up. After Dr. C was in, Dr. D came back to sedate me. I got to see the OR. The anesthesiologist only sedated me lightly until after I was in the OR. Only male voting members, mhhmm. Wonder if he gave them the opportunity to vote. He did ask if a specific female nurse was in when he came into the OR but she wasn't. I'll have to wait until Friday to find out more details! I had my midafternoon nap that I was looking forward to. Woke up in the recovery area, then back to the pre-op/short stay area to finish up. We left the hospital by 6.

Thank goodness for my Marge Simpson hair do bag. I accepted the offer of a puke bag though I hadn't had any issues with nausea. I sort of felt the urge on the way home - I had been looking down at my cellphone, making some calls. After I decided to keep my eyes up or closed I felt better. So glad I didn't need to use the hat. I'll show you a picture. I'm not sure that I look even as good as Marge.

Marge's Hair Bag

I have the loveliest breast supporter on. It provides good coverage, modesty, and potential for new fashion design. Gauze halter type dressing under a huge ace like wrap with velcro that goes all around my chest. I'll wear that until I see Dr. C on Friday. No showers until then. I can only hope that we have hot water so I can soak in the shallows of the tub. I'll have to figure out how to get my hair washed over the next couple of days.

I tolerated my soup and grilled cheese sandwich well. Almost fell asleep on it. I thought I'd sleep all night really well because of my extreme sleepiness. Guess that doesn't work - I woke up periodically, took pain meds when time so that I wouldn't find myself in extreme discomfort. Drank water. Scratchy throat - lozenges. Cat with me for quite awhile. I'm glad she decided to go to her own bed after awhile. I'm trying to sleep with my torso slightly elevated and on my back. I found myself raising my right arm above my head in my sleep. I often do that when sleeping. That's a bad. I haven't had terrible pain yet.

Other exciting news on the home front - the furnace installers are getting started today. We have been out of heat since March. We are switching to gas from oil. So, we will likely to have gas off during the day time. Just in time for heating - it's been 58 when I get up in the morning. That's actually a good sleeping temp, but not a good waking temp. My plan is to buy the Mr.  a tank top and bikini swim pants so he can still be comfortable with a temp of, oh, I'm thinking 64 might work.

Plans for today: walk at least around the block at least once (with a cap on to cover the holes in my head); maybe I'll start scanning slides to digital format for dad - don't need as fine of dexterity as I would with jewelry. Rest, rehydrate, take drugs, and eat. Sounds good doesn't it.

Today is the Big Day

Wow, it's here - surgery day. Seemed like today would never come. I have even been excited to go to surgery and with a little trepidation about the outcome. I think that my breasts will look as good as a human can make them look given the circumstances, but I don't know what that will be.

I worked at home on Friday and Monday, so I decided I was going to take this opportunity to go braless in spite of the uneven situation going on. Sort of a memorial to what is, and what I will be leaving behind. Tried to protect others from the discrepancy as much as possible with baggy clothes. I'll have to wear a bra 24/7 for two weeks, so.....

So I got up before the birds, pretty much my normal time to get up for work, at 4:15. I needed to get a little in to eat, some coffee and clear liquids. I could have gone back to bed, but I chose to do some washing of woodwork, clean the bathroom, dust the main rooms, listen to Enya (great pre-op music), and get my table set up for making jewelry. I'm really looking forward to that. With the right music on, it will help me kind of melt into that relaxed calm mental state. I think I need to change the current selection real soon or that won't happen! After all that work, I worked up a thirst. Poor me.

Soon I'll go out for a short walk - still a little chilly out. Guess I need to get used to it! Come back in for a nice hot soak, slip into my easy to get into clothes and head out the door. I think I'm his first surgery case of the day as he normally has office hours Tues. AM, so unless something ties him up there, we should get a timely start. I think surgery may be about 2 hrs. Could it be possible that I will be home in time for a lovely hot cooked supper?

Thanks for all of your healing thoughts and well wishes. I know that with those and the surgeon's skills, I am in good hands and have an excellent chance of optimal outcomes and recovery. I'll post later this week - but have to have some jewelry or something to show!

18 weeks + a few days; 6 to go

It's been a little bit since I have been here. I'm trying to get ready mentally, physically, organizationally for my surgery next Tuesday. I think the end may be in sight!

I don't have much to share. I've been thinking back on events of the past few months, emotions, thoughts, etc. I am now thinking, "What was the big deal anyway?" Must not have been thinking very rationally even though I thought that I was. Kind of interesting to "observe" my own actions, thoughts, etc. But I think it's a good thing to keep in mind as I interact with others who are going thru things, whatever they are. I think I will be more compassionate and empathetic. I even found real hospital discharge instructions the other day. If you think back a long time ago, I had been given instructions, but they were the wrong ones. I told the nurse that when she asked if I had them. She then tore the incision care instruction off of that packet, put them in my folder, and must have gone out to get the appropriate ones. Probably handed them to Scott and they went in a bag or pocket or something and I didn't remember that she had given them to us. I guess first impressions are pretty darned important. I know that really stuck with me. I still would like to be available to others to help them with good resources and information - that would have saved me lots of time and energy in research - after all the decisions had already been made.

My pre-op appt. was last week. Figured out which "parts" to order. Learned I'd probably need replacement parts before I droop, even on the left side. I can view that both in a positive or negative light. It means another surgery some day. It means I'll never? have to worry about droopiness again. I think that we are on the same page regarding my goals for my appearance after surgery is done. I am confident that the dr. will do the best he can to get things to look symmetrical.

For the last couple of weeks I've been wearing a nylon knee high filled with rice in the size of the maybe implant tied off on both ends on the left. It makes things look pretty even. Figured I might as well try out my new size.

I'm learning many new things in my new job. I kind of feeling like my clarity is diminishing the closer I get to my surgery. There are many details and we use many references to complete one review. I have a great trainer - very patient, excellent at following process and helping me to use my tools.

This past weekend we toured several studios participating in the Portland Open Studios event. I didn't get to see all the specific places I was interested in, but we focused more on the east side of town and did see some things that we really enjoyed. The Mr. is desiring that I find a new tour partner for next year!

http://www.portlandopenstudios.com/news/a-preview-of-artists-from-portland-open-studios-2011/

Saw the top and bottom studios/artists.
http://www.portlandtribune.com/features/story.php?story_id=131724181518477700

We haven't had a working furnace since March. The dates for installation are set - 10/26 & 27. Can you just imagine what it will be like to have a heat source bigger than a space heater? I'm very excited for it to be in place.

My big day - 10/25 1pm. I'm very eager to have it behind me. I've been trying to get to my "quiet place" but I'm having a hard time finding it or getting there. I don't know what I did the last time that worked so well for me. Mhmmm. Let me know if you remember.

 I'll be off for 2+ weeks, but I have so many quiet projects to do I may not actually have enough time to get them all finished. We are going to set a work table up in the living room for me to do my work at - anything from jewelry to scanning slides. Hopefully I won't need to do much napping. I anticipate that I will have more pain this time as the left breast will have sensation, while the right did not after my last surgery and still probably won't have much after this one. I will definitely get my prescription filled. First 2 weeks - no lifting, stretching, or driving. 3rd week, no stretching. Anything goes after 4 weeks. Guess I should wait until the 5th week to do my fall pruning if I don't get it done this weekend. Do you have any thoughts on that? I understand that if I stretch or do forbidden activities that I may end up bleeding and have to go back into surgery. Well, that's not a place I want to go, so it will be really easy for me to be good.

No photos, jokes or creative postings today. I'm too rational and logical to come up with anything. It's not nearly as much fun for me, but I imagine I'm more tolerable to have/be around. Thanks to all of you who have listened to and read my ramblings. I have appreciated your support ever so much. Let me change that - I do appreciate your support ever so much.

Well... you will be hearing from me next week. Take care.

Week 15 and 4 weeks + 2 days to go

I am counting down. Not days yet. When we hit Oct. 1 I'll start counting days. Right now it's still weeks.

I started my new job this week. I feel officially incompetent, however, I don't have the threat of imminent dismissal and dissatisfaction hanging over my head. That's good. Our layoffs tend to be annually toward the end of Oct. into Nov. I don't think I'll have the same concerns this year that I tend to have since 2002 when I got exterminated! Lots to learn though. Whole bunch. My aunt tells the story of playing hide and seek with us as kids (she was maybe 7-9 years older than my oldest bro) and my brother just older than I would count, 1, 2, 3 hoe bunch. I love that story and count that way often. Hoe bunch.

Saw Dr. C this week. I had my grid of pros/cons, procedures, goals and all that stuff. I was thinking about him and how he seems to work. I thought, no, I'm not going to pull this out. I'm going to just talk about symmetry, proportion, and that what I look like unclothed is important. I won't get into procedures, we'll just talk. Seems to work well for him.  Had a good visit. Didn't really talk much about procedures. I'll ask him what he did after surgery. This is kind of difficult for me. I want to know who, what, when, where, how. But I also want what I want. I think I will be more likely to get it if I don't make him explain everything in advance. He goes a bit by feel. I can kind of understand that. I often need to do things myself  because I need to feel it. grrr.

We are at the beach this weekend. I've had opportunities to make jewelry. I need more storage space at home to keep the jewels. If you want something, let me know, I'll consider making it for you. I especially like wire and stone. I'll show pictures in a bit. A couple pieces are for friends and some are for me. Here goes....

My photo theme this weekend at the beach was seaweed. Have you ever noticed how many different shapes and colors there are? Amazing.

Can you just imagine working Monday with the ocean sounds crashing in the near background? I can, and I don't have to imagine it. I will hear it. I'll be on a conference call for about 3 hours. I think the folks on the other end of the line will hear it too. I'll have to try to muffle the sound.

I wore a very lightweight tank top this AM w/o bra. I/yi. It seems sans structured bra is not a good idea. But I think it's a matter of deprogramming or desensitization.  Need to change that cuz omg, not a good thing. Funny that nipple conservation ends up being painful! Only on part of it though, not all.

Hang in there. We only have a few weeks to go. I'll take you into recovery a bit, but won't bore you forever. Thanks for hanging out.

Week 14 and 5 weeks + 2 days

Nothing much going on. As you can see I am counting down. I'll start doing it by day soon!

I successfully prepped for my colonoscopy. Honestly, for those of you who may be putting it off, it's not that bad. I got a little tired of sweet so I drank broth and herbal tea towards the end. Took a nice little nap during the procedure which was good after being up several times during the night. Dr. B pronounced my colon healthy and let me know I didn't need to come back for 10 years. Yoohoo!

I discovered the other day if I put my right upper arm across my chest on top of my breast, I have a good shelf to rest my arm on, then I can put my chin in my hand. I think I could take a nap like that. It's firm enough that it just stays there - doesn't get squished. I had Mr. do a photo, but the effect didn't show. So... no pictures to post this week.

Tomorrow I start my new job. I'll still do 1-2 hrs a day on my old job to get things wrapped up. But I'll be in training for awhile. It will be strange to be learning new things instead of teaching new things. I'm looking forward to that.

Wednesday is my followup with my surgeon. We'll go over  priorities, goals, or whatever you want to call them. If  he's ready, we'll talk about procedures. I'll have my pre-op visit on 10/11, so we'll finalize things then.

There are times when it just feels better not to have a top on. It's getting a little chilly for that. Not sure what I'll do when winter sets in - turn the heat up. If the furnace is installed that might be an option! I'm sitting here tonight with a shawl around my neck and over the left side. I'm warm enough that way, and more comfortable. Sometimes I think it's wearing a bra that makes me uncomfortable, and others it seems like it's not wearing a bra and wearing a top that makes me uncomfortable. What to do?

Small family reunion today - aunt and uncle in from Maryland. Saw another OR aunt and uncle and two cousins hadn't see in awhile. That was nice.

Hoping to get a few more summer days before Fall sets in. We'll see...

Week 13 with 6 weeks + 2 days to go

Well, let's see.... We started out on a motorcycle trip for an extended Labor Day weekend and went as far as Sun River. Mr's. bike was having some loss of power issues. We felt that it might be a bit risky to continue given that I really needed to be back to work on the 6th as I am trying to finish up projects so I am ready to transition to my new position on 9/19. We spent the night in Bend and stayed near the McMenamin's St. Francis - no rooms available, but we were able to stay close enough to walk there for dinner and have some Terminator. We headed home on Thursday morning. As fortune or circumstance would have it, Mr. had no problems all the way home. We got home middle of the afternoon and prepared for a truck camping trip. We left for the east side of the mountains - east of Prineville and Post - to camp. It was nice to get away but for some reason I had major allergic response to the grasses, etc. Even Zyrtec didn't seem to help much. I'm still working on getting completely over it though am much better.

I'm counting down on a few fronts. 9/19 I start my new position. I have alot to learn. 10/25 is my 2nd surgery. If I am counting right that would be the 6 weeks + 2 days to go. By this time on the 25th, I should at the least be in recovery. Oh, and lest I forget, my first ever colonoscopy on 9/16! I went out and bought my prep stuff at Bi-mart and Safeway this afternoon. The clerk at Bi-Mart laughed and said "Oh guess what you get to do." We laughed. I even bought some extra things so Mr. will almost be ready for it when he schedules his. No food with seeds in it starting Tuesday. My advice to you is don't schedule your colonoscopy when there are so many fresh seeded things like tomatoes and cucumbers. 3 days with no seeds! Thursday clear liquids, I can have Ensure until 5pm. Need some protein source. Then the fun begins!

This past week I worked 10-11 hour days. Will probably do the same Mon - Thurs. again. Work days should get shorter soon!

Had a good time yesterday enjoying some art and friends. We went to Lake Oswego and ate lunch with friends at Lady Di's, a British tea place, then we did the sculpture walk. LO sponsors statues around town and each year the residents get to vote on one to purchase. Great company and great art. Nice treat. Here's a picture of one of my favorites. Check out some more at their website. http://www.lofa.org/

Glass & Steel

Nothing new on the breast front, though I did notice the other day that I do have almost normal sensation on the lower left quarter of my breast. Maybe more to come? I'll take what I can get. I am able to wear a bra the majority of the day, but it's always nice to get out of it in  the evening. They are pretty structured.

It's been warm, hot, though I am not going to complain. It took forever for summer to arrive. Tomatoes are finally ripening. We are hoping to get a new furnace installed before the cool sets in. Right now we have no heat source. So......

At any rate, I have nothing more to go on about, so I'll call it good for now.

Week 11 - All Filled Up

Celebrate with me - I had my last fill this past Wednesday! Now the countdown until I have my last surgery.

I didn't see the Dr. as he was doing an office surgery, so we didn't get to talk goals and procedures. Nor did I try on the new bra that I bought so we could see how much is needed on the left. Now, after the last 45 cc that was added it doesn't fit on the right. Oh well. I scheduled an appt. to see him in 3 weeks to talk about goals and procedures. We'll see how much we can add to the left to fit on the left. I would say I'm quite certain I don't want to be 400 cc on the right! I'll return the bra after the next appt. and then wait for pretty new bras until after I have recovered.

Not sure I have humor, creativity and positive all in different segments today but I do have some great things to talk about.

Here's the funny & some positive all in one. We went riding yesterday and did almost 300 miles. Started out by going thru Carver to Estacada, south on forest service roads along the Clackamas River towards Detroit. Funny, haha, you say. Well, I haven't reached the punch line just yet. Remember I'm not good at jokes! Beautiful scenery. I hadn't realized the river was so pretty along that stretch. We did end up coming to a one-lane detour that had a sign - Motorcycles use extreme caution. Dang, that means probably not a good choice to continue, at least for me. So, we turned around and went back thru Estacada, south to Molalla (ate at the Hitchin' Post again), Silverton,  Silver Falls, Sublimity, Stayton, Scio, Lebanon, Sweet Home, Brownsville, Halsey then home. We rode the freeway until north of Salem then got on 99E. Freeway is kind of crazy though fast, too fast.

I even took my jacket off in public. I thought I was sort of lined up, breasts in an almost horizontal line. You can imagine how disappointed I was when we got home and I had Mr. take a picture for me, and I was all droopy on the left, not matching up nearly like I thought. I did push stuff up on occasion, so maybe it was just droopy at the end of the day.

Well, guess not quite as symmetrical as I thought. It's a wonder anyone could look me in the face!

So, when I got home I laid it all out on the table!

Left - breast form, cloth pouch with zip lock bag of rice (100cc), breast form to lift and increase size of left breast;
Right - dimmer to smooth the bumps on the right breast.

So you see how funny it is now? I went to a lot of work just hang low.  It's hard to get dressed in the summer time! I guess I was warned it would be difficult for awhile. But I really thought I looked pretty good. It's good there aren't many mirrors around when riding!

I'm saving the really good stuff to the last, so stay tuned.

Today would have been my parent's 62nd anniversary. Dad was kind of looking for someone in the family to spend time with today. I went down for breakfast and cooked with/for him before he went to church. Must be hard on those special days.

We are in the mode of getting ready for a bike trip. You can imagine the dilemma I'm having regarding clothing after the vision  above. I guess I'll take one structured bra along and at least a couple of shirts I can throw on when I take my jacket off so I can be seen in public even when I don't wear the straight jacket.

Went to the Farmer's Market for some fresh black berries, cukes and peaches. Yum. Got a walk in - probably about 1 hr. long. Getting the water timers set up for while we are away so things don't die. Laundry, starting to pack, bill paying - what fun. 

Friday I had two good pieces of news - I'm so excited. 
My surgery is scheduled for 10/25 with my pre-op visit two weeks earlier. That makes it 9 weeks from last fill, but I think I can manage 1 extra week. I was a little puzzled because the scheduler tried to do it in 4 weeks and the doc had told me 8 weeks. Oh well.

And, get ready for this. I had applied for a different position recently, had my 2nd interview this past week and found out on Friday I was the one they really wanted. I've been very interested for some time in a position like this. I won't be doing training and instructional design for now, in this new position. I'll be a worker bee reviewing claims for clinical purposes after they come in. This will mean I get to learn a whole bunch of new stuff. It's a level decrease and a slight pay decrease, but sometimes you have to give to get. That's the way I figure it. My current position is moving towards primarily coordination with other people doing the training. Coordination is not my strong suit. I think I will have fewer nights of insomnia. I have friends on the team who love their work, their team and their manager. Wow!

I was realizing this weekend that I tend to do a particular type of work about 8-10 years and make a change. So I'm right on track. I begin my new job on 9/19. I'll get to work more from home, have flexible work weeks, and perhaps work normal hours depending on what is going on. Meanwhile, I need to wrap things up and try to help transition things. There isn't another trainer, so it should be interesting. This past summer has really helped solidify that I needed to do something different for a time.

I'm still not past trying to do something in relationship to support of women who will be/are undergoing breast reconstruction in whatever capacity that may be over time. I'm a nurse, work in business in the health care industry, and I'm an adult educator. Why not?

Another really great thing - we are outside listening to Sunday night Blues (make that 2 great things) and there are crickets "singing" in the vegetation. No it's not part of the music. We heard them last evening and realized that we've never noticed them before. Interesting. And we love it.

I was kind of thinking about doing Race for the Cure walking this year, but I haven't heard anything about sign up. I'll have to look around.

You won't hear from me for a couple of weeks. Oh darn! But, I'll share some photos with you when I come back. Probably not of me unless it's better than the one above!

Week 10 - Almost full up!

Greetings from Puddletown where the sun has been shining and the weather warm, for 2 whole days.

I am getting close to pretty darn full up!

This last Wed. at 310 cc, I had 90 cc to go to 400. So I suggested we try 45 cc this time instead of 30-40. It was a stretch... Still looks tight but we only have 45 to go, and so I'm willing to try for that this coming Wed. again. Lots of fullness above the nipple line, not quite as much below. I've seen a research project on clinicaltrials.gov addressing just that challenge. You can't tell here that there is more fullness above on the left, and not so much on the right. It's hanging down not up!

Asymmetry at week 10

We talked about a lift procedure that Dr. is considering for the left and the placement of the implant. Crescent lift with implant subglandular for a more natural look. I am thinking about this - with a bra I'd look well balanced. Not sure that's the case without a bra. And that goes for the sports tops that I wear with the built in bra-shelf as well. I thought that we were going for a larger incision with a bigger lift. Kind of threw me off. How can I look natural with one fake looking breast and one more natural looking breast? And what will that do to my opportunities to dance for additional income? Or my biker babe image if I have to wear a structured bra at all times? I should be able to get dressed and not wear a bra. That's my bottom line.

I had taken photos in to the Dr. of implanted breasts to give an idea of what size I wanted to be. It's hard, because I don't like the look of implanted breasts, and even though you have the opportunity to put in height and weight range, there aren't any results that fit those for me. So you can't say add a 200 cc implant and you will look like this. It depends on height, weight, shape and width of chest and your original breast. Dr. responded with how women often bring pictures in which he didn't find helpful because it is so individual. I said, "Ok. I don't like them either, I'll take them and trash them." I know I've talked about not wanting an augmented look because it looks so fake. I think that's why he took the natural look approach.

I took information about a surgeon at OHSU who does a microvascular breast reconstruction technique. That makes 2 now that I know of. Dr. found it of interest and thought it was good to know of another option in town.

I can't be the only woman who has ever had a challenge communicating what is important to me. But then I have changed my mind more than once, and may not convey a complete thought during one visit. I call it boob brain. Yes, I am guilty of at least 3 months of boob brain. I need to get down to some basic logic. I have started a table with my must have, nice to have, the 4 lift procedures that I am aware of. pros, cons, etc. I was going to fill it all out myself, but realized I may not have all the info, so will take it in with me on Wed. and try to get on the same wave length.

I am to bring a bra in that fits the right breast this next week so we can see how much we can fit in the left. By this time the last VS bras I bought are not fitting, so I returned them. No, I didn't wear them, I only tried them on. Bought a 34 C today. Not sure if I like that, but maybe I won't need that one in the end. I am prepared to return it after my "fitting" this week.

Positive Images
I tried to show you but can't pull it off. Butterflies over breasts. I can still think about it though.

Creative
Photo above with balloons. Don't tell me I'm wimping out. It was a rough week. Short nights, waking up at lord knows what time and not going back to sleep.

Humor 
Photo above with balloons. Or, you may not think this funny, but Mr. and I were out motorcycle riding today and we had stopped for a break. I told him to come sit by me so I could hear him, but told him if he got too close he ran the risk of getting poked with a really pointy breast! I laughed and laughed out loud 'cuz I thought I was so funny! Mr. had a slight grin on his face.

Good stuff
We rode motorcycle on Sat. Went about 215 miles. It was good - my skill is rusty but oh, the roar of that motor when accelerating is so good. No, not a Harley - not quite that flatulent. But good.  We went to this place I read about recently - "Wings of Wonder" south of Independence. Check it out. http://www.wingsofwonder.us/index.htm
A former Intel employee and  his wife were interested in tropical butterflies and started an exhibit. Wow. The blue morpho was fantastic. Irridescent blue in flight but when it lands it closes its wings. Hard if not impossible to get a photo when in flight. Pretty darned cool. My creative idea was to paste a butterfly over my lop-sided self but that didn't work out so well. But look what we saw. It was warm inside, chaps on, sweat dripping down my back into my jeans, and.....

Butterflies

Our route took us from Portland, to Canby for breakfast with Dad, to Woodburn, Mt. Angel, Silverton, Silver Falls, Sublimity, Stayton, Scio, Albany, Buena Vista, Independence, Monmouth - lunch and some work on Mr's bike. Dallas, Rickreal, Amity, Dundee, Sherwood, Newberg, Tigard, Portland. And the traffic at Dundee. Remind us never to go that way thru Dundee on a weekend. We were tired when we got home.  I get kind of sloppy at the end of a ride. Even though we got home early enough to cook we were too fatigued to eat dinner.

Today another ride. Another warm day. We went to Mehri's for breakfast. Quiche, fruit and her very yummy creamy potatoes. Out Foster Rd. to Damascus, Boring, Sandy, Estacada, Molalla, Silverton, Mt. Angel, Woodburn, then back into the country and back roads to 213 to Oregon City, 205 then home. A good ride. I'm trying to improve my techniques and riding skills for smoother safer riding.

It's great - no pain or irritation while riding. I didn't notice that my pectoral muscle flexed when I opened the throttle or braked as I noticed last weekend when we rode. I was riding my 700 Shadow this weekend, 250 Rebel last weekend. Maybe that was the difference.

It's a great way to erase the boob brain-ness, riding motorcycle. It's hard to think about work, breasts, or anything else that takes your mind off of scents, traffic, road surface, curves and safety. I smelled mint, berries, evergreen trees, smells of combining grass/grain, manure, and, I can't remember what else. Many childhood scents.

Biker chick on the road
Molalla, strange town, interesting people. Not this one but all the rest. We did have a very friendly waitress at the Hitchin' Post.

If I didn't have my jacket on, you could see my shape! But I do, so you can't tell.
Protective gear as appropriate. No breast shield though.

We are thinking of a short motorcycle camping trip before the end of the summer.

So, look for me again next weekend. Another fill-up, more bike riding, and maybe nothing more than that. You'll know just about as much as I about my next surgery date at that point and then we will wait together for two months for that date!

Week 9: Tweaking the breast

No fill this week as Dr. C was off. Nice treat. I think it was the first week I haven't had some sort of medical appointment since the first week of May. Long time. It was also the first full week in the office without some sort of break. That made it seem like a very long week.

I've decided that I need to try to have something humorous, something creative, and something with positive visualization when I post. I may need your help.

I am hopeful that all will be beautiful when finished, however, I am trying to adjust my expectations to what the reality may be in regards to sensation, scars, and shape. I reread my Aphrodites Reborn to see the reconstruction results of those women and they hearten me. I also am reminded how fortunate I am that I did not have a malignant tumor and the fear and treatment that go along with that. And I, of course, am reminded by others and myself that this is a process.

Humor
I have some new expressions:

1. You're tweaking my boob
2. Stop tweaking my boob
3. My boob is tweaking
4. Don't get your boob in a tweak

In your mind, what would these statements mean? If you think about muscle being stretched and tissues responding to, I don't know, friction, pressure, I suppose it could result in a spasm. That's what's really happening but I see an opportunity for new phrases and meaning in your vocabulary.

State of Affairs
I discovered one sports bra this week that I may not use ever again. It was so tight my breast was tweaking by the end of the day. One of  my new bras may not be of much help for long either. I plan to do a little specialty shopping this week. I'll ask what I need for the first 2 weeks post-op and maybe it can serve me now.

I've said it before - symmetry is the goal. Asymmetry is my biggest struggle right now. I wore a v-necked lace-edged camisole under a top this past week as the top was lower than my bra. Well the v was always off-centered. It's kinda like the biggest person under the blankets gets the most covers. Yep, the biggest breast gets the most fabric! I'm now trying to make my left breast look higher and bigger to match my right (with the expander) and it's kinda hard to do. I am thinking about what I can and can't wear - no stripes that go around the body, dark is generally good, and ...... let me know if you have any ideas about how to hide the discrepancy of one hanging low and one standing high.

Ideas
Maybe you can help me out with serious or humorous ideas about how to make the left breast as high or big as the right for the next two months. Friends have been trying to help me with their humorous suggestions, and real options that just might work. That's good, as I'm sort of running out of humor and ideas. Here are a couple of ideas people have given me for starters:

One up, one down

• Make sure to wear a left shoe with a higher heel 
• Drop your right shoulder lower than the left
• Fill a balloon with some rice or corn meal to fill out the left breast to be equal in size to the right and stick it in your bra

Positive Ideas
I  have some ideas for a volunteer opportunity or even some day a business opportunity.  Title of my position "Breast Reconstruction Advocate". I don't have funding figured out yet! Nor do I have a business plan. I think that this experience may have a truly life-changing impact on both my personal and professional development.

Art/Jewelry
I'm working on (in my mind) a graphic of ugly breasts disappearing and the lovely ones coming into view. We'll see how that comes out. Another I'm thinking of is related to the Mourn the breast, but this time it should be something like "up from the grave they arose" with new breasts coming up from the grave.

The latest earrings I made a couple weeks ago that go with the pendant I made awhile back. I didn't want them to be too "matchy" so used different shapes of stone. I'm trying to think of my next project - I'm trying to do larger statements to go with the shorter haircut. It's good the wire is cheap and I can always repurpose these into new designs if I grow weary of them in their current settings.

Carnelian Pendant and Earrings

I need to get ready for my walk - that's always a restorative activity. A little later we hope to go on a short first of the season motorcycle ride.

When I go to this week's appointment I'll ask if we really must fill to 400 cc - I have 90 to go. If so, is there any risk of stretching too much in the event I/we decide that it is bigger than we want? How can we get it to fill lower in the breast? It kind of looks a little like a faint tri-corner on the lower aspect instead of rounded. I am reminded of the song "Three Corners has my Hat". And we'll see if I can do the next 2 visits with 45 cc per fill, then I can begin my 8 week wait until my next surgery.

All right then, time to mobilize. Until next week!

Week 8 - It will but not forever!

So, the expander will be quite rounded and high until we get done filling 'er up, and will be hard. The implant will be softer and will not be so round, I guess. We haven't discussed the techniques used for the lift/implant of the left breast yet.

Monday and Tuesday I was feeling what felt like stitches pulling, or a dressing stuck to a wound being pulled on in the right lower outer quadrant of my breast. Wondered what that was about. Perhaps some adhesions loosen as things stretch out more? Dr. C says it's probably scar tissue. I wonder if that will prevent things from being the right shape when we finish up our work. Guess time will tell.

At this week's surgeon visit I asked if we could fill with 40 cc instead of 30 cc. That would cut the number of visits/weeks by 1. It doesn't sound significant, but this is taking a long time. Things were pretty tight before the fill but we decided to try it and stop if we needed to. It wasn't bad - we got 40 in. He had a nurse who was filling in for the regular one so was teaching her how to do the fill. He showed her how to find the valve using a magnet. As he ran it over the area where the valve is the sensation was like that of someone running their finger lightly over my skin even though the breast is numb, or shall we say it has a sensation deficit. It was the pull of the magnet over the metal in the valve.

I had tried once to see if I could get a magnet to stick but I was unsuccessful. I decided I should try it again.
So here's the proof, I do have a magnetic breast. That's a positive thought, isn't it?

Magnetic breast

I estimate that I have two more fills left. I'd be done with this phase in two weeks, however, Dr. C is out of the office next week. I asked how long it would be until we could do the surgery for the implant after we got the expander filled. Unfortunately, looks like 8 weeks since the skin is as tight as it is. That puts me about 10/24 or thereabouts. I'm getting impatient, frustrated, and somewhat antsy. I guess that is normal in this process. I should just be glad that I don't have the cancer aspect to deal with.

I had to go to the office for work the day of my fill - took pain med before I left- and the next day for meetings. I'm having a hard time with interest, desire and focus at work. In Dutch I might say "Ik heb geen zin." Translated - I have no interest or appetite. Not at all unusual that people who go through this experience begin to rethink what it is they want to do with their work/life.

The book that I ordered "Breast Reconstruction Guidebook" is excellent. Gee, would have liked to have that about 9 weeks ago! Lots of great info, easy to understand, some personal experiences, and good resources. Interesting - I worked on my "brochure" - my story and things to think about. Much of it confirmed by what was in the book. I really see the importance of a woman who learns that she needs/or decides on a mastectomy to have resources at that time, in preparation for the later decisions that need to be made about reconstruction. How do we get the right information to her at the right time?

I think I have been focused more on the health care system and how it works in this situation and intrigued by the overall topic of breast reconstruction than on finding answers for myself. I figured I had enough basic knowledge that I'd get along by hook or by crook and I'd observe things at work. Kinda dumb in retrospect. Though I think that most likely I would do nothing different in relationship to reconstruction. I would have wasted less of the surgeon's time though because I would have focused on me.

Working on getting the motorcycles ready for at least short trips. Mr's. needs more work and he may have to ride my larger one, and me the little one. Maybe next week. I had hoped to get out this weekend. No luck.

We added another fountain to our water feature. It has a nice trickling sound. The birds like to sit on top of the taller one and drink from it, even sit on top of the bubbler where the water comes out. Sweet.

Nothing much going on here. Later.