Week 13 with 6 weeks + 2 days to go

Well, let's see.... We started out on a motorcycle trip for an extended Labor Day weekend and went as far as Sun River. Mr's. bike was having some loss of power issues. We felt that it might be a bit risky to continue given that I really needed to be back to work on the 6th as I am trying to finish up projects so I am ready to transition to my new position on 9/19. We spent the night in Bend and stayed near the McMenamin's St. Francis - no rooms available, but we were able to stay close enough to walk there for dinner and have some Terminator. We headed home on Thursday morning. As fortune or circumstance would have it, Mr. had no problems all the way home. We got home middle of the afternoon and prepared for a truck camping trip. We left for the east side of the mountains - east of Prineville and Post - to camp. It was nice to get away but for some reason I had major allergic response to the grasses, etc. Even Zyrtec didn't seem to help much. I'm still working on getting completely over it though am much better.

I'm counting down on a few fronts. 9/19 I start my new position. I have alot to learn. 10/25 is my 2nd surgery. If I am counting right that would be the 6 weeks + 2 days to go. By this time on the 25th, I should at the least be in recovery. Oh, and lest I forget, my first ever colonoscopy on 9/16! I went out and bought my prep stuff at Bi-mart and Safeway this afternoon. The clerk at Bi-Mart laughed and said "Oh guess what you get to do." We laughed. I even bought some extra things so Mr. will almost be ready for it when he schedules his. No food with seeds in it starting Tuesday. My advice to you is don't schedule your colonoscopy when there are so many fresh seeded things like tomatoes and cucumbers. 3 days with no seeds! Thursday clear liquids, I can have Ensure until 5pm. Need some protein source. Then the fun begins!

This past week I worked 10-11 hour days. Will probably do the same Mon - Thurs. again. Work days should get shorter soon!

Had a good time yesterday enjoying some art and friends. We went to Lake Oswego and ate lunch with friends at Lady Di's, a British tea place, then we did the sculpture walk. LO sponsors statues around town and each year the residents get to vote on one to purchase. Great company and great art. Nice treat. Here's a picture of one of my favorites. Check out some more at their website. http://www.lofa.org/

Glass & Steel

Nothing new on the breast front, though I did notice the other day that I do have almost normal sensation on the lower left quarter of my breast. Maybe more to come? I'll take what I can get. I am able to wear a bra the majority of the day, but it's always nice to get out of it in  the evening. They are pretty structured.

It's been warm, hot, though I am not going to complain. It took forever for summer to arrive. Tomatoes are finally ripening. We are hoping to get a new furnace installed before the cool sets in. Right now we have no heat source. So......

At any rate, I have nothing more to go on about, so I'll call it good for now.

Week 11 - All Filled Up

Celebrate with me - I had my last fill this past Wednesday! Now the countdown until I have my last surgery.

I didn't see the Dr. as he was doing an office surgery, so we didn't get to talk goals and procedures. Nor did I try on the new bra that I bought so we could see how much is needed on the left. Now, after the last 45 cc that was added it doesn't fit on the right. Oh well. I scheduled an appt. to see him in 3 weeks to talk about goals and procedures. We'll see how much we can add to the left to fit on the left. I would say I'm quite certain I don't want to be 400 cc on the right! I'll return the bra after the next appt. and then wait for pretty new bras until after I have recovered.

Not sure I have humor, creativity and positive all in different segments today but I do have some great things to talk about.

Here's the funny & some positive all in one. We went riding yesterday and did almost 300 miles. Started out by going thru Carver to Estacada, south on forest service roads along the Clackamas River towards Detroit. Funny, haha, you say. Well, I haven't reached the punch line just yet. Remember I'm not good at jokes! Beautiful scenery. I hadn't realized the river was so pretty along that stretch. We did end up coming to a one-lane detour that had a sign - Motorcycles use extreme caution. Dang, that means probably not a good choice to continue, at least for me. So, we turned around and went back thru Estacada, south to Molalla (ate at the Hitchin' Post again), Silverton,  Silver Falls, Sublimity, Stayton, Scio, Lebanon, Sweet Home, Brownsville, Halsey then home. We rode the freeway until north of Salem then got on 99E. Freeway is kind of crazy though fast, too fast.

I even took my jacket off in public. I thought I was sort of lined up, breasts in an almost horizontal line. You can imagine how disappointed I was when we got home and I had Mr. take a picture for me, and I was all droopy on the left, not matching up nearly like I thought. I did push stuff up on occasion, so maybe it was just droopy at the end of the day.

Well, guess not quite as symmetrical as I thought. It's a wonder anyone could look me in the face!

So, when I got home I laid it all out on the table!

Left - breast form, cloth pouch with zip lock bag of rice (100cc), breast form to lift and increase size of left breast;
Right - dimmer to smooth the bumps on the right breast.

So you see how funny it is now? I went to a lot of work just hang low.  It's hard to get dressed in the summer time! I guess I was warned it would be difficult for awhile. But I really thought I looked pretty good. It's good there aren't many mirrors around when riding!

I'm saving the really good stuff to the last, so stay tuned.

Today would have been my parent's 62nd anniversary. Dad was kind of looking for someone in the family to spend time with today. I went down for breakfast and cooked with/for him before he went to church. Must be hard on those special days.

We are in the mode of getting ready for a bike trip. You can imagine the dilemma I'm having regarding clothing after the vision  above. I guess I'll take one structured bra along and at least a couple of shirts I can throw on when I take my jacket off so I can be seen in public even when I don't wear the straight jacket.

Went to the Farmer's Market for some fresh black berries, cukes and peaches. Yum. Got a walk in - probably about 1 hr. long. Getting the water timers set up for while we are away so things don't die. Laundry, starting to pack, bill paying - what fun. 

Friday I had two good pieces of news - I'm so excited. 
My surgery is scheduled for 10/25 with my pre-op visit two weeks earlier. That makes it 9 weeks from last fill, but I think I can manage 1 extra week. I was a little puzzled because the scheduler tried to do it in 4 weeks and the doc had told me 8 weeks. Oh well.

And, get ready for this. I had applied for a different position recently, had my 2nd interview this past week and found out on Friday I was the one they really wanted. I've been very interested for some time in a position like this. I won't be doing training and instructional design for now, in this new position. I'll be a worker bee reviewing claims for clinical purposes after they come in. This will mean I get to learn a whole bunch of new stuff. It's a level decrease and a slight pay decrease, but sometimes you have to give to get. That's the way I figure it. My current position is moving towards primarily coordination with other people doing the training. Coordination is not my strong suit. I think I will have fewer nights of insomnia. I have friends on the team who love their work, their team and their manager. Wow!

I was realizing this weekend that I tend to do a particular type of work about 8-10 years and make a change. So I'm right on track. I begin my new job on 9/19. I'll get to work more from home, have flexible work weeks, and perhaps work normal hours depending on what is going on. Meanwhile, I need to wrap things up and try to help transition things. There isn't another trainer, so it should be interesting. This past summer has really helped solidify that I needed to do something different for a time.

I'm still not past trying to do something in relationship to support of women who will be/are undergoing breast reconstruction in whatever capacity that may be over time. I'm a nurse, work in business in the health care industry, and I'm an adult educator. Why not?

Another really great thing - we are outside listening to Sunday night Blues (make that 2 great things) and there are crickets "singing" in the vegetation. No it's not part of the music. We heard them last evening and realized that we've never noticed them before. Interesting. And we love it.

I was kind of thinking about doing Race for the Cure walking this year, but I haven't heard anything about sign up. I'll have to look around.

You won't hear from me for a couple of weeks. Oh darn! But, I'll share some photos with you when I come back. Probably not of me unless it's better than the one above!

Week 10 - Almost full up!

Greetings from Puddletown where the sun has been shining and the weather warm, for 2 whole days.

I am getting close to pretty darn full up!

This last Wed. at 310 cc, I had 90 cc to go to 400. So I suggested we try 45 cc this time instead of 30-40. It was a stretch... Still looks tight but we only have 45 to go, and so I'm willing to try for that this coming Wed. again. Lots of fullness above the nipple line, not quite as much below. I've seen a research project on clinicaltrials.gov addressing just that challenge. You can't tell here that there is more fullness above on the left, and not so much on the right. It's hanging down not up!

Asymmetry at week 10

We talked about a lift procedure that Dr. is considering for the left and the placement of the implant. Crescent lift with implant subglandular for a more natural look. I am thinking about this - with a bra I'd look well balanced. Not sure that's the case without a bra. And that goes for the sports tops that I wear with the built in bra-shelf as well. I thought that we were going for a larger incision with a bigger lift. Kind of threw me off. How can I look natural with one fake looking breast and one more natural looking breast? And what will that do to my opportunities to dance for additional income? Or my biker babe image if I have to wear a structured bra at all times? I should be able to get dressed and not wear a bra. That's my bottom line.

I had taken photos in to the Dr. of implanted breasts to give an idea of what size I wanted to be. It's hard, because I don't like the look of implanted breasts, and even though you have the opportunity to put in height and weight range, there aren't any results that fit those for me. So you can't say add a 200 cc implant and you will look like this. It depends on height, weight, shape and width of chest and your original breast. Dr. responded with how women often bring pictures in which he didn't find helpful because it is so individual. I said, "Ok. I don't like them either, I'll take them and trash them." I know I've talked about not wanting an augmented look because it looks so fake. I think that's why he took the natural look approach.

I took information about a surgeon at OHSU who does a microvascular breast reconstruction technique. That makes 2 now that I know of. Dr. found it of interest and thought it was good to know of another option in town.

I can't be the only woman who has ever had a challenge communicating what is important to me. But then I have changed my mind more than once, and may not convey a complete thought during one visit. I call it boob brain. Yes, I am guilty of at least 3 months of boob brain. I need to get down to some basic logic. I have started a table with my must have, nice to have, the 4 lift procedures that I am aware of. pros, cons, etc. I was going to fill it all out myself, but realized I may not have all the info, so will take it in with me on Wed. and try to get on the same wave length.

I am to bring a bra in that fits the right breast this next week so we can see how much we can fit in the left. By this time the last VS bras I bought are not fitting, so I returned them. No, I didn't wear them, I only tried them on. Bought a 34 C today. Not sure if I like that, but maybe I won't need that one in the end. I am prepared to return it after my "fitting" this week.

Positive Images
I tried to show you but can't pull it off. Butterflies over breasts. I can still think about it though.

Creative
Photo above with balloons. Don't tell me I'm wimping out. It was a rough week. Short nights, waking up at lord knows what time and not going back to sleep.

Humor 
Photo above with balloons. Or, you may not think this funny, but Mr. and I were out motorcycle riding today and we had stopped for a break. I told him to come sit by me so I could hear him, but told him if he got too close he ran the risk of getting poked with a really pointy breast! I laughed and laughed out loud 'cuz I thought I was so funny! Mr. had a slight grin on his face.

Good stuff
We rode motorcycle on Sat. Went about 215 miles. It was good - my skill is rusty but oh, the roar of that motor when accelerating is so good. No, not a Harley - not quite that flatulent. But good.  We went to this place I read about recently - "Wings of Wonder" south of Independence. Check it out. http://www.wingsofwonder.us/index.htm
A former Intel employee and  his wife were interested in tropical butterflies and started an exhibit. Wow. The blue morpho was fantastic. Irridescent blue in flight but when it lands it closes its wings. Hard if not impossible to get a photo when in flight. Pretty darned cool. My creative idea was to paste a butterfly over my lop-sided self but that didn't work out so well. But look what we saw. It was warm inside, chaps on, sweat dripping down my back into my jeans, and.....

Butterflies

Our route took us from Portland, to Canby for breakfast with Dad, to Woodburn, Mt. Angel, Silverton, Silver Falls, Sublimity, Stayton, Scio, Albany, Buena Vista, Independence, Monmouth - lunch and some work on Mr's bike. Dallas, Rickreal, Amity, Dundee, Sherwood, Newberg, Tigard, Portland. And the traffic at Dundee. Remind us never to go that way thru Dundee on a weekend. We were tired when we got home.  I get kind of sloppy at the end of a ride. Even though we got home early enough to cook we were too fatigued to eat dinner.

Today another ride. Another warm day. We went to Mehri's for breakfast. Quiche, fruit and her very yummy creamy potatoes. Out Foster Rd. to Damascus, Boring, Sandy, Estacada, Molalla, Silverton, Mt. Angel, Woodburn, then back into the country and back roads to 213 to Oregon City, 205 then home. A good ride. I'm trying to improve my techniques and riding skills for smoother safer riding.

It's great - no pain or irritation while riding. I didn't notice that my pectoral muscle flexed when I opened the throttle or braked as I noticed last weekend when we rode. I was riding my 700 Shadow this weekend, 250 Rebel last weekend. Maybe that was the difference.

It's a great way to erase the boob brain-ness, riding motorcycle. It's hard to think about work, breasts, or anything else that takes your mind off of scents, traffic, road surface, curves and safety. I smelled mint, berries, evergreen trees, smells of combining grass/grain, manure, and, I can't remember what else. Many childhood scents.

Biker chick on the road
Molalla, strange town, interesting people. Not this one but all the rest. We did have a very friendly waitress at the Hitchin' Post.

If I didn't have my jacket on, you could see my shape! But I do, so you can't tell.
Protective gear as appropriate. No breast shield though.

We are thinking of a short motorcycle camping trip before the end of the summer.

So, look for me again next weekend. Another fill-up, more bike riding, and maybe nothing more than that. You'll know just about as much as I about my next surgery date at that point and then we will wait together for two months for that date!

Week 9: Tweaking the breast

No fill this week as Dr. C was off. Nice treat. I think it was the first week I haven't had some sort of medical appointment since the first week of May. Long time. It was also the first full week in the office without some sort of break. That made it seem like a very long week.

I've decided that I need to try to have something humorous, something creative, and something with positive visualization when I post. I may need your help.

I am hopeful that all will be beautiful when finished, however, I am trying to adjust my expectations to what the reality may be in regards to sensation, scars, and shape. I reread my Aphrodites Reborn to see the reconstruction results of those women and they hearten me. I also am reminded how fortunate I am that I did not have a malignant tumor and the fear and treatment that go along with that. And I, of course, am reminded by others and myself that this is a process.

Humor
I have some new expressions:

1. You're tweaking my boob
2. Stop tweaking my boob
3. My boob is tweaking
4. Don't get your boob in a tweak

In your mind, what would these statements mean? If you think about muscle being stretched and tissues responding to, I don't know, friction, pressure, I suppose it could result in a spasm. That's what's really happening but I see an opportunity for new phrases and meaning in your vocabulary.

State of Affairs
I discovered one sports bra this week that I may not use ever again. It was so tight my breast was tweaking by the end of the day. One of  my new bras may not be of much help for long either. I plan to do a little specialty shopping this week. I'll ask what I need for the first 2 weeks post-op and maybe it can serve me now.

I've said it before - symmetry is the goal. Asymmetry is my biggest struggle right now. I wore a v-necked lace-edged camisole under a top this past week as the top was lower than my bra. Well the v was always off-centered. It's kinda like the biggest person under the blankets gets the most covers. Yep, the biggest breast gets the most fabric! I'm now trying to make my left breast look higher and bigger to match my right (with the expander) and it's kinda hard to do. I am thinking about what I can and can't wear - no stripes that go around the body, dark is generally good, and ...... let me know if you have any ideas about how to hide the discrepancy of one hanging low and one standing high.

Ideas
Maybe you can help me out with serious or humorous ideas about how to make the left breast as high or big as the right for the next two months. Friends have been trying to help me with their humorous suggestions, and real options that just might work. That's good, as I'm sort of running out of humor and ideas. Here are a couple of ideas people have given me for starters:

One up, one down

• Make sure to wear a left shoe with a higher heel 
• Drop your right shoulder lower than the left
• Fill a balloon with some rice or corn meal to fill out the left breast to be equal in size to the right and stick it in your bra

Positive Ideas
I  have some ideas for a volunteer opportunity or even some day a business opportunity.  Title of my position "Breast Reconstruction Advocate". I don't have funding figured out yet! Nor do I have a business plan. I think that this experience may have a truly life-changing impact on both my personal and professional development.

Art/Jewelry
I'm working on (in my mind) a graphic of ugly breasts disappearing and the lovely ones coming into view. We'll see how that comes out. Another I'm thinking of is related to the Mourn the breast, but this time it should be something like "up from the grave they arose" with new breasts coming up from the grave.

The latest earrings I made a couple weeks ago that go with the pendant I made awhile back. I didn't want them to be too "matchy" so used different shapes of stone. I'm trying to think of my next project - I'm trying to do larger statements to go with the shorter haircut. It's good the wire is cheap and I can always repurpose these into new designs if I grow weary of them in their current settings.

Carnelian Pendant and Earrings

I need to get ready for my walk - that's always a restorative activity. A little later we hope to go on a short first of the season motorcycle ride.

When I go to this week's appointment I'll ask if we really must fill to 400 cc - I have 90 to go. If so, is there any risk of stretching too much in the event I/we decide that it is bigger than we want? How can we get it to fill lower in the breast? It kind of looks a little like a faint tri-corner on the lower aspect instead of rounded. I am reminded of the song "Three Corners has my Hat". And we'll see if I can do the next 2 visits with 45 cc per fill, then I can begin my 8 week wait until my next surgery.

All right then, time to mobilize. Until next week!

Week 8 - It will but not forever!

So, the expander will be quite rounded and high until we get done filling 'er up, and will be hard. The implant will be softer and will not be so round, I guess. We haven't discussed the techniques used for the lift/implant of the left breast yet.

Monday and Tuesday I was feeling what felt like stitches pulling, or a dressing stuck to a wound being pulled on in the right lower outer quadrant of my breast. Wondered what that was about. Perhaps some adhesions loosen as things stretch out more? Dr. C says it's probably scar tissue. I wonder if that will prevent things from being the right shape when we finish up our work. Guess time will tell.

At this week's surgeon visit I asked if we could fill with 40 cc instead of 30 cc. That would cut the number of visits/weeks by 1. It doesn't sound significant, but this is taking a long time. Things were pretty tight before the fill but we decided to try it and stop if we needed to. It wasn't bad - we got 40 in. He had a nurse who was filling in for the regular one so was teaching her how to do the fill. He showed her how to find the valve using a magnet. As he ran it over the area where the valve is the sensation was like that of someone running their finger lightly over my skin even though the breast is numb, or shall we say it has a sensation deficit. It was the pull of the magnet over the metal in the valve.

I had tried once to see if I could get a magnet to stick but I was unsuccessful. I decided I should try it again.
So here's the proof, I do have a magnetic breast. That's a positive thought, isn't it?

Magnetic breast

I estimate that I have two more fills left. I'd be done with this phase in two weeks, however, Dr. C is out of the office next week. I asked how long it would be until we could do the surgery for the implant after we got the expander filled. Unfortunately, looks like 8 weeks since the skin is as tight as it is. That puts me about 10/24 or thereabouts. I'm getting impatient, frustrated, and somewhat antsy. I guess that is normal in this process. I should just be glad that I don't have the cancer aspect to deal with.

I had to go to the office for work the day of my fill - took pain med before I left- and the next day for meetings. I'm having a hard time with interest, desire and focus at work. In Dutch I might say "Ik heb geen zin." Translated - I have no interest or appetite. Not at all unusual that people who go through this experience begin to rethink what it is they want to do with their work/life.

The book that I ordered "Breast Reconstruction Guidebook" is excellent. Gee, would have liked to have that about 9 weeks ago! Lots of great info, easy to understand, some personal experiences, and good resources. Interesting - I worked on my "brochure" - my story and things to think about. Much of it confirmed by what was in the book. I really see the importance of a woman who learns that she needs/or decides on a mastectomy to have resources at that time, in preparation for the later decisions that need to be made about reconstruction. How do we get the right information to her at the right time?

I think I have been focused more on the health care system and how it works in this situation and intrigued by the overall topic of breast reconstruction than on finding answers for myself. I figured I had enough basic knowledge that I'd get along by hook or by crook and I'd observe things at work. Kinda dumb in retrospect. Though I think that most likely I would do nothing different in relationship to reconstruction. I would have wasted less of the surgeon's time though because I would have focused on me.

Working on getting the motorcycles ready for at least short trips. Mr's. needs more work and he may have to ride my larger one, and me the little one. Maybe next week. I had hoped to get out this weekend. No luck.

We added another fountain to our water feature. It has a nice trickling sound. The birds like to sit on top of the taller one and drink from it, even sit on top of the bubbler where the water comes out. Sweet.

Nothing much going on here. Later.

Week 7 - It's going to look like a baseball

Well, the ugly face video elicited a "we'll talk about options when you come in again." Sounded good to me.

So, before my appointment this week I went to Victoria Secret and bought 3 bras, checked the return policy, told them my doctor wanted me to bring them in to try them on. They were fine with that. Return policy is 90 days.

Last weekend I struggled with wearing what I wanted to wear without having to put a bra on and forms and stuff. I really do want to go without a bra when I want. I went over to the elderly neighbor lady's with some berries. She had a little difficulty looking at me after her first glance. I hadn't told her yet that I had had surgery. I was wearing a camisole sans bra and things just didn't line up.

So I planned on how I was going to deliver the news that I didn't want to just take care of the right breast, and I didn't just want to be bigger, but really what I wanted after all - decision #3: symmetry. And I really hoped to achieve that and look somewhat natural. I think that may be a challenge that you might not find when you are doing a bilateral reconstruction.

Wed. Appt.
Dr. C and I had a good chat. He says, "So have you been practicing?" when I started to discuss the distortion (as I like to call it contortion) issue. I said, "Yes, but, I'm having a hard time doing it now." "Here, push your hand against mine." Ok - it really didn't seem so bad after all, especially as we talked about the option he could use to alleviate that. He could separate the muscle from the skin tissue that had attached itself on the underside and put the implant above the muscle. That could mean that ripples would be more visible, but he felt that I had a fairly thick layer of skin and tissue and that wouldn't be a big deal. I think I can live with the movement that I have.

Next topic - Symmetry
"I know I've been indecisive about what I have wanted to do, but I've never been down this road before. I never gave breasts much thought, besides wearing a padded bra. What I think is more important than size is symmetry. I want to be able to wear a tank top, a camisole or whatever without being lop-sided and not have to wear a bra if I don't want to." The nurse was in the room part of the time. I told them the story of the neighbor lady not being able to look at me. We had talked previously about a breast lift and small implant for the left to help it sit higher like the new one will. So we talk about what can be done. "Well, I think we need to fill your expander up  to 400 cc. It will be like a baseball by the time we are through." Great, I love that image! "Then we'll do a lift and a 150 - 200 cc implant on the left." I have a favor to ask,"Can we make the right one droop just a little bit?" No. Can't do that. "I just don't like the way augmented breasts look, they look like headlights." Dr. C: "What do you mean?" Me: "They look so fake. I don't like that." Dr. C: "Well most women like that - perky breasts." Me: "Well, I guess if that's the worst case scenarios that's ok'."

Topic: Cohesive Gel Implants
Dr. C has is very passionate about the cohesive gel implants. These are newer silicone implants that do not leak, have been used in Europe for many years, yet the FDA hasn't approved them here. And there aren't many trials going on. He is very passionate about it - he would like to be able to provide a safer alternative for his patients. On Wed. I said, "I am almost as passionate as you about cohesive gel implants." Dr C. "You should start a jihad, and go to Washington. Let them hear your voice. Or no, Ghandi, that would be better, a peaceful protest.Go sit on the grounds." "Absolutely, I'm on it. Peaceful is best." I'm wondering if I could initiate a virtual protest regarding the slow process for approving cohesive gel implants. Does anyone have any ideas?

We go on to discuss surgical techniques for lifts. Dr. C: "Have you read anything about mastopexies on the internet?" Me: "Not that I can remember. Since last week I've stopped doing internet research!" Dr. C: "Well, I was going to suggest that you maybe stop using the internet." Too funny. Dr. is ordering me to stay away from the internet. No more breast research! But, there is this last approved search, and that is for the conventional mastopexy and the vertical incision mastopexy.

After I got 30 cc added and before he left the room "Do you have a bra to try on to see how things look?" "Yes, I do. Here this should be a good one." I put the bra on. "Yes, they are about the same size now." Little bit by little bit I will figure things out.

Wed evening after dinner internet search begins.
It's hard to find anything with the word conventional used and nothing that seems very substantial. I did find a video of Mr. Umar Khan displaying his surgical talent on youtube. OMG. I wonder what the point was. http://youtu.be/SwJplZjsS7s
 I don't think I really needed to see that. I found a good article on WebMD, but still didn't know what I was looking at. Thank God for WebMD, but I'm still not seeing anything that helps me out. I think I'm cured of using the internet, at least for breast-related topics.

So, back to the internet Saturday for more physician sanctioned research, although I think my prescription will run out soon. I found a good article on Wikipedia, which was kind of technical but very thorough. I supplemented with additional sites. There are many names for each procedure. And some photos. I'm not liking the photos so much.

I am finding that tighter sports bras and camisoles that provide more support are actually more comfortable most of the day than wearing something lightweight, less tight with a form in. I don't know if it would have made a difference in comfort earlier, and we'll never know. I actually wore one of my new mastectomy bras for a full day this past week. I wore a tight sports bra for a whole day. I'm developing! I think it's better even if they are snug that there isn't a whole lot of structure. I tried another mastectomy bra on this morning and decided against it.

Now's the time to get fit for life! I did start some exercises this week in addition to my walking. I really need to work on that. I'd like to lose min. of 5 lbs before next surgery and then just stay fit for the rest of my life. What a dream.

So, I think that I need to ask Dr C if I'm not allowed to get information from the internet where should I get it. Actually, I've read of a number of surgeons who either give this book or recommend this book to their patients who have mastectomies. The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook by Kathy Steligo. http://www.breastrecon.com/  I plan to order it and perhaps take it in to Dr. C after I have had a chance to read it. You can read parts of it from the site linked above. I put that link in resource links on the left as well. Dr. C has a very personal approach to  his patients. But I have to tell you, from the General Surgeon, to the hospital, and current treatment, I've had practically no printed educational material. Nothing from the General, the wrong post-op instructions from the hospital, and when I mentioned it all I got was incision care instructions. I had a fairly decent book put out by a silicone implant manufacturer given to me at Dr. Cs office, but there are many things that aren't in there. I realize that reconstruction of the breast isn't the only work that they do, but, I think somewhere in those provider contacts there should be more information available that one can have and hold and use to help make decisions with.

I am finding that I am not only a patient, I am an observer. I am analyzing what is happening, when, where and why.

Until the next update. Whenever that may be. M

Week 6 - Things are getting tight

So, I worked at home the rest of the week last week - glad I have the privilege to do that.

Discomfort changes with each fill - it's a different type each week. This week I had an additional 30 cc added - now at 240 cc. Talk about a tight pectoral muscle - almost feels like I am out of breath at times, but it has nothing to do with that. This week I worked at home Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. My breast doesn't look quite as ugly as a pug. I think we might be Shih Tzu this week after my fill. But here's what I'm really afraid of - check this video out.  http://www.breastcenter.com/procedures/distortion_procedure.php. I'm checking with my dr. to see what the risks of having an "ugly face" are for me. This is scaring the heck out of me!

I've done a bunch more research about reconstructive techniques/technology. Amazing what is out there using just your own body tissues. Perhaps the surgical procedures that use tissue but not muscle will become standard someday, but they are very time consuming and require reattaching blood vessels while looking through a microscope. Needless to say, not many surgeons are doing it. However, not relevant for me, but could be for women who aren't candidates for implants.

Dr. C is willing to entertain all sorts of questions and appears not to be rushed. We had a discussion about size, and he was concerned that he hadn't put a large enough expander in, but he thought he could overfill it. I left thinking, "Hmm, what were the chain of events anyway? What were my initial expectations?" Well of course, I just wanted the darned alien out as soon as possible. I didn't care about boosting size. So, he used the appropriate expander. We all have to take responsibility for our own decisions, don't we? So when did I start caring about getting an up-size cup-size? Well, at my first post-op visit we briefly discussed the droop of the left breast and how we could make it more symmetrical with the right when we get that one finished. That was it! Twas the months before surgery and visions of bountiful breasts and lovely cleavage danced through my head. I kind of forgot that our main goal was to create symmetry. So I needed a little reality check this week. I don't think I have that yet. Well, now I'm just confused about what I want. My main aim is symmetry from side-to-side - the challenge is, if your left natural breast droops a bit, and your new man-made one looks like a headlight how to make them look symmetrical. We talked about a lift, but that would mean another visible scar. So then the other option is a small implant. I mean really, if you were looking at me and you saw my left breast pointed towards your belly button and my right one towards your chest, what would you think? You'd think I was a little strange, especially if you could see the Ugly Face too!

Asymmetry - Look up, Look down

Less asymmetry, but it looks like you're not tracking

Last week when I said, "I want a B cup", he looked a little puzzled and asked what I am now (on the left). "It's an A." I went home and researched cup to volume equivalencies and the best I could find, was that if you   fill a bag with some rice and place it in a bra, you can put more in, take some out until you fit in the bra of choice.  I measured out rice, about the size and depth of the tumor that was removed, put it in a ziploc bag and took it with me to Victoria Secret's this past weekend to insert into a bra when I tried it on - the gal really wanted to measure me and all. I said, "No, I just had a mastectomy, and I just want to try one on." She was gracious and gave me her name and took mine. She didn't know I had a bag of rice with me though! I think I need about 90 cc to be a B.

I found out with this week's visit that they have some sort of bead packs or something you can place in your bra, but you have to bring a bra in that is the size that you want to be. So maybe I just need to give in and go pick up a couple of bras and check the return policy so I can figure out who I want to be when I grow up. Here's something to amuse you.

Bra with rice bag - so this is a mastectomy bra and it's not exactly what I want to wear when I grow up, so it won't do.

That's about 90 cc of rice.

Not getting to walk as much, but still walking. I even did a little mall walking when I went to VS because it was raining out and the last day of competition. People have been asking me if I have lost weight -"No - that's my next project". "Your pants are saggy in the butt." Well, I'll be darned. I didn't think I had a flat butt, but it appears to be so. I think it just moved to my thighs. Lordy! So, now that the walking competition is over, I need to work on the other body parts with weights.

Last week I was working on my visualization skills - trying to develop a positive image of the new breast I can look forward to. I'm envisioning beautiful clouds, with lovely breasts, just like you see in this photo.

Highway to heavenly breasts

Not so bad for starters is it?

It's been about 6 weeks since surgery, about 10 weeks from discovery. I don't think I got much research done prior to surgery, but have spent a lot of time since looking for resources, not just for me, but anyone who might need them even more than I. I'm trying to think of ways that I can make finding reliable information quicker and easier, and when one should start thinking about different options. We'll see. Of course for it to be anything more than therapeutic for me, I'd need to find a way to get it out there. Not saying I'm going to do it, just thinking about it.

I'm adding a couple of resources to the left - look for Susan G Komen and a link to Young Survivor Coalition - probably the best resources anyone could start with, in particular for women with breast cancer.

I hear that it is dinner time. Later!

Week 5 Update

You are probably going to get updates until I stop having weekly dr. appointments. Hope you can live with that.

I went back to work full time this week. Aahh. Retirement must be kind of nice, or part-time employment. I just haven't come up with any creative ideas to make that happen for many years to come. I keep telling myself I am lucky to have a job.

Well, we didn't do a fill last week due to some skin issues near the tightest spot in the breast and incision. All was clear this week, so 30 more cc went into the expander. Thank goodness I worked from home today and will tomorrow as well. I am not very comfortable. I probably have a couple more fills to go then we will wait a couple months before the next surgery.

I wore a well-worn bra yesterday that still fits with a form or whatever you want to call it. Thought it would be ok. All day is too long for any bra just yet - I had spasms by the end of the day. Since I was at work it wasn't like I could just take it off! So today I wore a bra for about 3 hours and off it came.

I  have been doing some stretching exercises and I think that has helped with both range of motion and stretching my pectoral muscle, which I think helps to make my chest less tight. The expander is only behind the pec (and skin), which if we review our anatomy, goes across the chest. Guess that's why I have been feeling the expander under my skin recently under my arm and higher up on my chest. The nurse said that is normal.

Did your mother ever tell you not to call others names because it might make them think they were no good, stupid, ugly, whatever the appropriate term might be? Mine did. So I've been visualizing my breast as the "Ugly Pug" and I've been doing some self-talk about coming up with something kinder and more positive for this maimed body part. I mentioned that today - I guess I'm allowed to call myself any negative thing I want (Mom wouldn't encourage that), but if I want to change to a better image I could select different dogs for different stages, picking those with better facial features, as my breast improves its shape over time. I also realized that perhaps I am not thinking of my new breast as part of myself yet - it's another entity. Interesting concept - to me anyway. I'll probably have to adopt it eventually (the breast).

Can you help me with some photos or names of dogs that I might use to represent stages of redevelopment? Humorous is fun.

Stages of Development

I can't decide whether a Boston Terrier's nose represents my current condition or the suggested Shih Tzu. Perhaps that is next weeks style. Anyway, I guess you get the idea. And no, my breast is not hairy like a dog's face. We are talking about the amount of smashed inness of the nose in relationship to the shape of the breast not the hairiness of the creature!

My Aphrodite Reborn book came in the mail yesterday and I really like it. It is a photo book with post reconstruction photos and short stories a number of women who went through mastectomy and reconstruction at least 10 years ago. Very well done. The photos make it more personal, and stories make it all more relevant and touching. I am impressed with the women who have either gone through bilateral mastectomies for prophylactic reasons or any surgery and treatment due to malignant cancers - their bravery and their beauty. Reading this book also reinforces for me that I need to visualize prettier and more positive images  than dogs I consider ugly. I'm working on it but I haven't come up with anything yet so I'm open to suggestions.

I'm out of here. Check in with you later!

What's new, or not ...

Well, we finished up our weekend at the beach - beautiful weather. We had some drizzle Sunday evening which didn't pose an issue for any of our indoor activities!

On one of my daily walks I saw some interesting seaweed colors. You might enjoy them too.

I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before. I'm hoping none of you will tell me it's a piece of trash. I would hate for my bubble to be broken!

I liked this one too.

Every walk I took was different - tide was in or out. Different rocks, pieces of wood, people and activities, you name it. I loved watching the dogs running in and out of the water. They just love it.

And I created a new ring. I need to perfect the design a little, and may add some variations to it as well over time.

Wire ring

I'm doing fine, thank you. I continue to have sensitivity and muscle tension, which I'm sure I will have for some time. Do any of you know what it is like to have your breast in a vise? That's kind of how it feels most waking hours. And if you forget or can't find your breast pillow for night time, you may feel it then too. That breast pillow is one of my best friends! It doesn't look like what your are thinking of - it's just a small pillow about 6"x12" in size. Just big enough to lift your arm off of your side and relieve some of the pressure. You might even use it when you are driving or riding in the car. I feel like a kid with my "blanky".

Wednesday was my follow-up with my plastic surgeon. In the morning before I left home, I was checking my incision out (with my 10x magnification mirror) and that little spot that wasn't as well approximated as the rest looked really big and seemed to have extended further. Well needless to say, it really wasn't as big as it looked in that mirror, but yet it looked different than the last time I checked. Mhmmm. Wonder if we get a fill-up today. The nurse thought the doctor should check first, so before we added more fluid Dr. C checked it out and decided we would let it go as is for another week. That was the point in the incision where it was the most stretched/stressed earlier. No rush.

The breast, with the expander in it is quite firm. I hoped that wouldn't be the new state of affairs, so asked if that would be how it always will be. I am reassured, that no, once we put the implant in, it won't be that firm. That's good.

Dr. C asked if I had been doing any stretching or exercises and I said "No, when I mentioned that I had started stretching last week you gave me the hairy eyeball." Well, he promised no hairy eyeball this week. I got clearance to do pretty much anything, but he will help me out by restricting mowing for a couple more weeks at least. Glad SO isn't reading my blog!! So, I'm ready for stretching it out, lifting, bicycling, and getting my mildly restricted range of motion back. And, back to work, of course! Progress is being made.

 I find it interesting to note the various emotional and logical responses I have to having had one breast removed and being in a transitional state. Some of you may already know about that. I am kind of feeling like "You remove a woman's breast, you don't know what she will do next." It's almost a call to show my femininity, or my daring. What else might I lose that has this kind of impact?  I haven't said it to the doctor yet, but I have given my right breast a title of "Ugly Pug". For those of you who love pugs, please don't be hurt, I just don't see the cuteness or beauty in them, or my breast.

After my appointment I went to Just Like a Woman to pick out my first new "in transition" bras. Great shop with personalized service and fitting. I walked away with two new bras, some bra stuffers, and a pair of dimmers. Quite an exciting event - I haven't worn a bra in weeks. The strange thing was that none of the bras from one maker to the next are sized like the other either in chest size or cup size. You really do need to try them on. They had a copy of "Reconstructing Aphrodite" in the dressing room. I only got to glance through it but think I will look for it. It's almost an art book you would put on your coffee table! Some of you, but maybe not all! http://www.reconstructingaphrodite.com/index.html

I've talked about getting caught up on my preventive health things before. Today I went to my primary care doctor for a physical - something I haven't done in several years. He really liked my tumor photo - just had to show him. When he asked if I had had my colonoscopy yet (50 years+ you know) I said, "Not yet. My philosophy is that I'm 50 until I am 60... (he's giving me a look, maybe a hairy eyeball) I add, "until recently. I will schedule one this year. Who do you recommend?" For the most part that's all I have left to do unless my labs come back with some issues, though he'd like for me to get a scan for osteoporosis. We'll see if that happens this year - probably not covered by insurance. I'll check with a few people at work to see if they know what happens with that.

I asked him how he selected Dr. I (general surgeon) for my referral. He had assisted him in surgery and had referred patients to him over the years because of his skill and calm manner. We don't know what we will do when Dr. I retires before our health care needs are over. I asked if he knew of Dr. C - "Yes, he is a top plastic surgeon and well known in the area." Good to know.

It's interesting to see how federal/Medicare mandates impact practice these days. Different questions, forms, and papers to take home with you. I need to look at those some more. I have my doubts that sending information like that will change health care behavior or motivation. And, guess what - may be totally unrelated. No female rectal exam - at least in my docs practice. So, if you haven't had your physical and that was the only thing holding you back, do consider it!

Clothes didn't have to come off for this exam. Honestly, I was so hoping I'd have to get undressed, because my new big girl bra was really bothering me and I couldn't wait to take it off. They do say to break them in slowly a few hours at a time. Might not be up to wearing bras to work next week for full days, but I have an alternate plan. Yes I do. A dimmer on one side, a padding form on the other in a cami with a light shelf bra in it and I am set.

So now, as you can see, I am anticipating the normal things that life is made of: yard work, bicycling, bra wearing, fill-ups on my expander until I am right-sized or full up, hiking, working to bring in the dough that pays for the house that Jack built, and all of the wonderful things we do in everyday life.

Anyhow, just my thoughts for the week. Have a good one, and again, thanks for being there.

Several things, including activities for healing...

Follow-up visit with General Surgeon

On Thursday I had my last visit with Dr. I, until after my implant is in. He had a Resident with him and  explained that he would be going into more detail with her for her learning experience. I'm all for it - except for 1 hospital that I ever worked in, all have been teaching hospitals. Everybody needs learning opportunities. He talked a bit about presenting my case to the tumor board. The board agreed, of course, that the treatment was appropriate based on tumor size and type. They were fascinated by the size and growth of the nasty alien thing. Other than that, tissue, incision, sensation even in its abnormal-to-me condition, are all looking good and as hoped for.  

I wonder about physician patient relationships. One builds a relationship relatively quickly out of necessity, establishing some sort of bond. We need to be able to trust for treatment and healing. To me, lack of trust would not enhance that process. The relationship, if we are fortunate, is a short-term one and patients go on to live their lives, physicians to see and help many more patients. If we are fortunate, patients need few of those short-term relationships. I wonder how physicians are able to build that relationship so quickly and so briefly with so many people. It may be taxing, or perhaps it is just a part of what they do every day. Mhmmm. 

Activities for healing

Well... so the best part of my entry today. I'm at the beach. The weather is fantastic. Yesterday morning I sat on a window seat facing the ocean, ocean sounds in the background to work for 4 hrs. Painful, right? I've had some good beach walks. The stars last night were fantastic. This morning when I got up I looked out the window to see how low the tide was. OMG - I need to be out on the beach now! It was way out there. I wanted to go down around the Cape to see what I could see. As I walked I heard a woman comment that the tide was at its lowest so far this year.

Bed head - why is Ocean Air bed head so much worse than Desert Camp bed head, or Valley Air bed head? I try to dampen the hair do down, get my clothes on, grab the essentials of water, rock bag, camera and binoculars. Don't forget money, because I have a feeling that I'll be getting a coffee and breakfast sandwich while I am out. The mirror is a little high for me, so I'm probably not seeing everything I need to see before I head out. Ok for me, but I feel sorry for those who are looking at me! But I need to get out there while the tide is so far out so I can get around the point at the north end of town. No time to waste.

Imagine this - listen to the ocean all day and night long; hot tub any time of the day you wish while looking at the ocean; listen to bird sounds; enjoy seafood meals. My gift from dear friends to help me recuperate. I think it's helping!

I want to share a few pictures from yesterday and today.

18 arm purple starfish

Cape Meares Light House

Catching the wind and waves

Tide is way out

Our view

Beach flotsam

Current favorite colors - charcoal gray and lime green

Star fish everywhere

Our friends, who are loaning us their beach condo for the weekend, purchased an Encaustic work of art last weekend while attending an event in Cannon Beach. I had looked up the artist and his work on the web, so I can totally envision the star fish photo as a painting. Anyone want to do that for the fun of it? Here's the link to Christopher Gerber's website. Good stuff.

Not to forget today's Farmer's Market in Tillamook! Yet again, we found some fresh Hood strawberries, Bing cherries, asparagus. We stopped and picked up a crab. You want to join us for dinner?

It's all good for healing - relaxing, being active, seeing art and nature and art in nature, and everyday stuff. I'm on my way.