Time Passes June 2013

I hadn't realized that so much time had passed since I last wrote. All thing seem to become less poignant when you wait.  Well, wasn't as long as I thought. You see I had written in January but forgot to post. So, some of this may be redundant.

The end of December I had a little in office surgery on my left breast to help balance things out a bit. It wasn't so bad - a little anti-anxiety med, lots of topical anesthetic, and the cutting out of about 1"x 5" of  skin really didn't seem like an awful thing! And it did help to improve the symmetry. No general anesthetic, and no facility charge made it a whole lot cheaper.

As time elapses I still see asymmetry and think that more work is needed, though I will wait until next year. It's hard to get necklines to hit my chest at the right place so that my right "rise" doesn't show. In order to fill in the depression left by the mastectomy we used a larger in diameter implant to help fill some of the space. My insurance doesn't cover fat injections for filling in such depressions. I think I have come to the conclusion that it would be better to have a deeper depression on the right side of my chest than it is to have one breast appear higher than the other and difficulty dressing appropriately.

I was so excited recently to hear that the FDA has approved the long-used in Europe Natrelle silicone implant that does not leak. Thanks to cosmetic surgeons advertising their services on TV I know what to ask for if ever I exchange my current implant for another.

I went for my two year mammogram and checkup in May. Everything looks good. Bless Dr. I. He's such a great surgeon - takes the time to discuss everything from asymmetry to helping educate me on results, self breast exam, and risks. He said that he has seen about 1-2 Cystosarcoma Phyllodes/year over the last ten years. So, they don't happen very often. Frequently I remind myself how fortunate I am that my tumor was benign, and how things could have been so different. It truly changes my outlook in many ways.

We are having a step challenge at work for 6 weeks, so I am walking sometimes 2+hours/day. Between work and walking, I'm not doing much else. However, I am enjoying the scent of flowers in bloom as I walk, and the beautiful blooms. What a lovely way to help balance out the emotions and put things in perspective.

I have been continuing to work with steel and with glass. I'll post a couple photos for you.

Steel rising tall, bent rod, glass disc

Shattered glass circle with colored frit, copper loops

Hummingbird on a stake

Opaque red glass with silver foil 4"

I think my point is that creativity is therapeutic. Whatever your creativity is, it doesn't matter. Just do it. Whenever you can.

Stories are revised all the time! This should have been published some time ago - early January 2013.

Plans are fluid and change as needed. I didn't have a procedure the week of Thanksgiving.

After discussion with Dr. C I decided to be brave and have the next procedure done in the office. Really brave! So I thought. But, Dr. C said it would be a whole lot less expensive, would be less of a time commitment, and it is something he could easily do with me awake. Awake? Yes. I kind of like the nap, I sleep well, feel nothing and then I wake up. Of course all that takes about 8+ hours by the time you check in, wait, get an IV, get marked up, go to the operating room, to the recovery room, then home.

Brave is as brave does....
So, yes, I was brave, for me. I was happy to have some Lorazepam left over from a recent oral surgery and decided to take advantage of very light sedation - couldn't even tell that I had taken it. I had my latest procedure on Dec. 28 to reshape the left breast. Like I said, Lorazepam. Then prior to incising the skin the doctor injected local anesthetic at multiple points along the intended incision line. One can have skin about 5 inches x 1 inch removed without pain. The smell of cauterized skin - kind of like burning flesh or hair. The tug of suture being pulled through the skin. But, no pain. You have to give Dr. C some credit for that! In and out in just over an hour. Time and money saved. Can't wait to see the bill.

I was pretty much uncomfortable except when reclining or lying down, without cover over my breasts for the first week. I'm feeling much more comfortable the last two days, though not sure what made the difference. Perhaps just that the incision is healing. I do have a nonstick gauze stuck in the skin fold so the bra isn't rubbing against the incision. My right breast is still uncomfortable off and on and had been during the same time the left was uncomfortable. I'm not sure that will ever resolve. It seems to be paresthesias either over the nipple or the scar and I can't tell which. Maybe some day I won't notice that any more? I still think that maybe a nudist colony in a sunny, warm location might be the best option!

Are we done yet?
I am still contemplating whether I stop here, or do two more things that might make me feel better about my appearance? I find it kind of an interesting dilemma, though I imagine many women who have breast reconstruction go through this. I want to like what I look at when I look at it! The goal of surgery/health care is to restore your appearance, at least with clothes on. I'm not ready to settle there, yet. Even that's not quite enough for me. I understand now why we see multiple claims for multiple procedures - hard to get it right the first time; sometimes best to make only one change at a time; hard for the patient (me) to know when to stop. Interesting dynamics, I think.

Who's your mama?
I often try to analyze things with examples for myself to better understand and maybe even better explain what I am thinking and feeling. I know my breasts are  mine and I need to take care of them. I'm not proud of them or loving them. I feel a little detached. But I don't want to wear disfigured breasts. Perhaps like a parent would for children they are disappointed in. Or, we have children who are in the care of guardians who have been selected for them. These guardians don't feel particularly loving but know that they need to take care of these children, trying to provide them with the care and necessities required to help them grow into healthy adults.

Did I tell you about the great lymphedema compression sleeves that are so chic? I got a newsletter from Drexel (my BS alma mater) and in it they wrote about a student who had started a business designing/selling fashionable lymphedema compression sleeves. I don't need one, but it's almost tempting to buy one for a fashionable arm sleeve/warmer! LympheDivas - check it out!

Fun Stuff
There  have been extra activities with the holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. Lots of family fun for Thanksgiving, quiet time for Christmas, and with friends at the beach for New Years.

In between the holiday activities I took a 3 hour glass fusion class at Aquila Glass School. with a friend. I do plan to buy some glass and go back to use equipment. It was hard for me as it was a beginning class, though I had had beginning glass fusion a few years ago. I had expectations of colors and things I'd make. We used scraps and had limited color selection. I thought, "This will be the ugliest glass work that I have ever seen, let alone made." I stressed about it. Stayed at least two hours longer trying to get my pieces finished. OMG! I was pleasantly surprised when I returned to pick up the pieces. Check it out for yourself. I want to make some more, but make objects that I can use with metal sculpture. We'll see.

Small plate - full fuse with slump

Small dish - full fuse slump

Pendants: 1 inch, full fuse (chartreuse, orange, green)

1 inch tack fuse (blue, green orange);
1x2 full fuse (green, streaky brown, yellow, black)
1x2  tack fuse (turquoise, brown, black)
New Years photos

Sunset on the beach

Kestrel on a wire

Bald Eagles waiting for a good catch

Buffle Heads on the Netarts Bay